


Double Standards

by JustAnAnxiousMess



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Ableism, Abusive Parents, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Are Siblings, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Has ADHD, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders has Intrusive Thoughts, Disregard of correct pronouns, Nonbinary Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Other, Past Abuse, Patton Sanders is Remus and Roman Sanders little brother, Roman Sanders is a bad brother, Transphobia, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Use of dead name, controlling parents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:27:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27421963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnAnxiousMess/pseuds/JustAnAnxiousMess
Summary: Trigger Warning: Mentions of toxic parents, transphobia, mentions of past abuse, dead naming, wrong pronoun usage, low self esteem, unhealthy coping mechanisms, ableism and a general feeling of hopelessness. The Remus angst train has left the station.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Mentions of toxic parents, transphobia, mentions of past abuse, dead naming, wrong pronoun usage, low self esteem, unhealthy coping mechanisms, ableism and a general feeling of hopelessness. The Remus angst train has left the station.

Remus was pissed. Scratch that, they were furious and it was all down to the duplicitous standards of their mother.

They had been called downstairs to do chores, same as usual but during that time their mother had suddenly showed them a Facebook post.

That was already a bad start, Remus had to keep from rolling their eyes at being shown a Facebook post but focused on the post in question.

A small smile tugged at their lips as they saw a picture of a trans flag coloured T-rex with the caption 'Trans Rights Or I Bites!'

"Transasaurus Rex!" they laughed and their mother nodded with a grin.

"Funny huh?" She said, going back to her mindless scrolling, therefore missing the sudden change of Remus's expression.

Remus swallowed, trying to ignore the lump in their throat as they struggled to ignore the voice in their head pointing out that their mother wasn't completely transphobic, she was just against the idea of Remus being nonbinary.

They remembered the sheer anxiety that practically ate away at them as they worked up the confidence to come out to her.

"𝘏𝘦𝘺, 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘣𝘫𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘹𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺, 𝘐... 𝘶𝘮... 𝘐'𝘮 𝘯𝘰𝘯𝘣𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘧𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘥 𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺/𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘐'𝘥 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘧𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘙𝘦𝘮𝘶𝘴."

"𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵, 𝘢𝘭𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘺 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘗𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘦'𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶."

"𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘢𝘥 𝘢𝘴 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭?"

"𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘥 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘵 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨."

Of course that understanding had lasted all of 5 minutes and their mother seemed to forget they'd mentioned anything, despite several attempts to correct her. Not including the way Remus's father had brushed it off as nonsense he didn't understand or want to understand.

"Oh could you go clean the dining table for me please? Just because I was planning on doing some baking with Patton seeing as no one else will do it. You'd think his older siblings would spend time with him but never mind."

Remus grit their teeth at the passive aggressive comment and instead walked out of the room to do what they'd been asked, their emotions in complete turmoil.

Entering the dining room Remus took one look at the table and clenched their fists as they took in the sheer amount of gunk and mess on it. It wouldn't have been that big a deal if it wasn't for the fact cleaning the table was one of Romans responsibilities.

Roman was always brushing his responsibilities off onto them and their relationship was strenuous at best, the constant flipflopping between peace and war.

Roman was both their greatest ally and their greatest enemy, it just depended on the day as to which role Roman filled.

Remus pushed their thoughts away and set about trying to complete the task they'd been asked to do, even if they'd rather curse out their brother for being able to get away with not doing much around the house.

Chemical lemon smells filled their nose as they began to scrub at the table with their internalised rage at how trapped they felt surrounded by their family.

The constant misgendering and use of their deadname was starting to really wear them down and bitter thoughts began to spiral in their mind about Roman.

Roman was the good one in comparison according to their parents, never able to really do anything too bad. Not like Remus, they were always the scapegoat, the example their father used when telling off Patton and even when Roman managed to do something they didn't like.

"𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 [𝘋𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘦]"

Remus sighed heavily, pushing their fathers words out of their head, hand tightening around the wipe they had in one of their hands and causing the lemon chemical substance to froth up between their fingers.

For a brief moment Remus considered the frothy residue and wondered what would happen if they licked it, but shook their head, trying their best to ignore the intrusive thought. They just needed to get this over and done with so they could retreat to their room.

Scrubbing the grubby table took longer than they would have liked and they scowled as their mother asked them to get all the utensils out for her. Surely she could do that herself?

Holding back the various annoyed comments that were running through their mind, Remus did as they were told, opting for the easier route where they wouldn't risk bringing down the wrath of their father on them for 'back chatting and giving attitude'.

They poked their head round the doorframe to let their mother know they'd done what she'd asked and fled upstairs before they were asked to do anything else.

Of course their freedom was short lived as 20 minutes later their door was flung open by Roman.

"So, I know you apparently cleaned the table before Patton and mum started baking but I'm going to be washing all the bowls and stuff up afterwards so you have to go look after the baby while they're busy."

"Cleaning the table is supposed to be your job you know."

Roman shot Remus a grin and shrugged. "Well it's part of the dining room and cleaning the dining room became your job 3 months ago, not sure how or why but whatever."

Remus glared at Roman, barely registering as he started to talk about something he'd watched recently, Remus's mind mostly focusing on trying to contain their anger.

"fine." They muttered, getting to their feet and preparing for the mindlessly boring task of looking after their youngest sibling all while wondering why their mother couldn't bring him into the dining room with her and Patton or even hand him to their dad to look after for a little while.

Roman flounced into his own room and Remus reluctantly made their way back down stairs, collapsing onto the sofa with a sigh of resignation.

Their baby brother was no trouble or anything, it was just tedious and annoying to never get time to do anything they wanted. It always seemed when Remus was in the middle of or about to start doing something they really enjoyed, they would get called away to do some inane bullshit for their family.

Remus scowled as they thought of just how little control they had over their own life thanks to their controlling parents. They'd announced they were off to see their partner once and had been read the riot act by their father which resulted in a pretty bad breakdown.

That was part of Remus's paranoia, that they were being selfish and overreacting. That they really were the ungrateful burden that they so often felt like thanks to various comments helping them reach that conclusion and consistently enforcing it.

It wasn't until Remus had met Logan that they realised just how badly their family treated them. Logan had seen and heard various things their family did and had dropped the bombshell that what Remus was going through was abuse.

Remus had originally objected, shaking their head but Logan pointed out that not all abuse is physical and they were forced to consider that perhaps Logan was right.

Regular parents don't belittle their child and constantly make them feel like they should apologise for their existence or that they're just a drain of resources and unless they help out in the household then they're considered a parasite.

Never mind the fact Remus's parents had been physically abusive when they and Roman had been younger and their dad still managed to illicit panic attacks in response to just his tone getting harsher.

Remus shook their head and focused back on their baby brother, pulling faces at him and smiling when he babbled incoherently and squealed in delight. It helped them forget if for a moment that their life was barely their own.

Their brothers didn't help matters, in fact in a lot of ways Patton and Roman made things harder. Patton constantly called them by their deadname and used the wrong pronouns but Remus couldn't blame him too much, he was only 4 and their parents hadn't even attempted to explain it to him.

Roman was the worst because some days he would be all supportive and use the correct pronouns and name but if Remus annoyed him, which was too easy to do, or caught him in a bad mood then Roman would purposefully use the wrong ones which made Remus feel like being sick because Roman was really the only ally they had in the family.

They'd had Romans back the entire time he'd come out to their parents, even when their parents tried to tell Roman it was just a phase. Remus had immediately called them out on their shit at that, stating that they'd said those exact words to them when they'd first tried to come out and it certainly hadn't been a phase.

Then when the two of them had wanted to go to a pride event and had managed to get their mother on board, their father crushed their dreams, saying it was a waste of money and time, that he didn't want to go with them and that they shouldn't go.

The fact he'd said all that had hurt Remus and Roman and they didn't get to go but Remus continued to have their brothers back. It was just a shame Roman wasn't the same.

They would tell Roman something in confidence and when Roman was annoyed at them he would tell their parents and every time it happened Remus would be crushed, shaking their head and wondering why they keep telling their brother anything when he kept stabbing them in the back.

Remus let out a sad sigh as they ended up at the conclusion that they would probably never be able to really rely on their siblings which was just the curse of being the eldest. A frown crossed their features as they were reminded of something their mother always quoted in what she insisted was just a joke.

"Kids are like pancakes, the first one's always a throwaway."

They'd heard that phrase so often that it had actually lodged itself into their mind, always reminding them that, no matter what, their parents no longer believed in them or expected them to get anywhere in life. It was devastating.

Eventually Remus was able to escape back to their room where they immediately threw on their headset to try and drown out the noise coming through the wall from Romans room.

Roman had recently decided to continue learning how to play the electric guitar which wasn't a big deal, Remus had their own acoustic guitar, they could probably do the same if they wanted to but they would rather go on their computer. Not that they had a grudge against Roman for having the motivation to do something relatively productive or anything.

They let out a sigh and focused back on their screen, falling back on their old faithful way of coping; YouTube. They'd probably be awake till 3am hyper focusing but they were used to not sleeping very much and at least then Roman would have shut up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remus scowled as they heard the door slam, their parents going on a day trip to the zoo or something. They were left alone in the house which wasn't a bad thing, but unfortunately Roman had stayed behind too and their parents had decided to leave the two of them a whole plethora of housework to do.

Usually Remus didn't mind but Roman was a pain in the ass at the best of times and when the two of them needed to split chores fairly Roman always managed to wiggle his way out of doing as much.

This was no different as Remus had to clean the toilet and bathroom, tidy and vacuum the dining room (again) and various other little things.

Roman had tidied and hoovered the living room (which Remus had already done a day ago so he pretty much had nothing to do.) and he had to rake the leaves.

Both Remus and Roman agreed raking the leaves was a pointless job but upon arguing the point with their parents, well Roman had, Remus wouldn't bother as they were always shut down and it was just too much effort, they'd been told they had to do it because they'd been told too.

Reluctantly Roman had dropped the subject as that was usually their fathers code for 'keep talking and I'm going to get really mad' which was never a fun time for anyone involved.

Roman had waited until everyone had left to approach Remus and say "I'll rake the front garden, you do the back."

"Wait what? They asked you to do the raking though."

"Actually they said to split the work evenly so you do back and I do front."

"ok, so if we're doing this evenly then you should have to do either the bathroom or the toilet."

"no, they were things you were asked to do the other day so they're still your jobs, you can't just not do a chore one day and then the next expect to split it with someone so they do most of the work, that's not how that works."

Remus eyed roman with intense dislike and opened their mouth but roman continued.

"If you've got an issue with it you could always ask mum for clarification. She said we had to split it like that."

Remus let out a bitter laugh. "You know I can't do that because my phone is busted so i have no way of calling your bluff."

"you could always wait for her tog et back and ask her but you'll be in a whole world of trouble if it's not done by then."

"I literally have no way of calling your bluff, that's so.... ugh!" Remus huffed and gave up trying to argue or reason with Roman. They didn't have the energy to deal with him and his bullshit right now so they'd just do what they had to.

Roman stepped out front to do the leaves there and Remus sighed as they began setting the vacuum up to do the dining room, still unsure why they needed to do this when they'd done it two days ago and it still looked fine.

They started the vacuum and groaned in frustration as they realised Roman hadn't emptied it and it was chock-a-block full of dust and other gunk. After emptying it they made fast work of the dining room and sat down for a little while, trying to ignore their thoughts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remus grit their teeth as they washed their hands, Romans words still running through their mind

"𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘮𝘶𝘮, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘥𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦'𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘳𝘶𝘣𝘣𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘰𝘳 𝘤𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘯'𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘳𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬."

"𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵!" 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘺𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥, 𝘨𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘵 𝘙𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯.

"𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦, 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘹𝘤𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘧𝘧. 𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘰𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘵. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳."

"𝘐 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘧𝘧 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵."

"𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 21 [𝘋𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘦] 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘤𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 14!"

"𝘐'𝘮 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘈𝘋𝘏𝘋 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘴 𝘐 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘴𝘰 𝘐 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮!" 𝘙𝘦𝘮𝘶𝘴 𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘥, 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘪𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘴.

𝘙𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯 𝘣𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘢 𝘮𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 "𝘐'𝘮 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘥𝘰 𝘪𝘵 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩."

Remus finished washing their hands as the memory flashed through their mind a a fit of rage over took them and they lashed out at the bathroom wall, their fist colliding with it and causing a loud thump noise to echo around the bathroom.

They let out a few heavy breaths and looked down at their fist, mildly surprised at the sudden appearance of blue surrounding their pinkie knuckle. A few curious prods and a flare of pain later and Remus shrugged it off, they weren't going to worry about some tiny little bruise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Done. You're probably going to have to do the leaves tomorrow seeing as it's dark now."

"You literally were just having a go at me because I was trying to get out of doing the leaves or some shit and now I can do it tomorrow?"

"well yeah, I didn't realise how dark it was."

"it's not that dark."

"Fine, go rake leaves in the dark then, here are the gloves."

Remus took the gloves and quickly slipped their boots on, already fuming at Romans constant flipflopping between being tolerable and being an utter prick.

They stepped out into the cold night air, looking around the leaf covered garden with a small frown before grabbing the rake and beginning the tedious task they'd been set.

It didn't take long for them to realise that the sound of a rake scraping against concrete was one of the sounds that was a big no for them. Still they powered through, grimacing and scrunching up their face at each time the metallic scraping sound happened. If they could just get this over with then they could go inside and actually relax.

They had no idea how long they were out there, it was much darker now and the pile they'd created was pretty big, not to mention the ache in their back which made a loud crunching crack sound as they stretched.

Remus decided to go back inside, grimacing at how sweaty they now were despite the cold temperatures outside. They quickly went and washed their hands again, prodding at the now purple bruise on their knuckle with mild interest.

Finally they collapsed on a chair in front of their computer, tilting their head each side and sighing with satisfaction at the unhealthy sounding noises their joints made.

They were on their computer for a good while before they heard the tell-tale signs of their parents return. They got up, taking a deep breath as they waited for their parents to ask about the housework.

Neither said anything at first and then...

"You raked the leaves then? Well from what I could see of the front garden in the dark anyway."

"Yeah, I did the front garden and [Deadname] did the back." Roma said from the top of the stairs and Remus sent him a small glare which was instantly replaced by stunned horror as their father spoke up again.

"You did the back too? Oh."

The surprise in his voice caused Remus's blood to boil as they realised what Roman had done and it took all their self control not to react. Instead they brushed it off like they did with nearly everything these days.

Remus fumed through the rest of the night, constantly biting their tongue at various offhand comments during dinner and only able to let their guard down when they retreated to their room at last.

They paced in their bedroom for a bit before sitting down and taking a few breaths to regain their composure. They didn't know how, when or where but Roman would pay for tricking them the way he had. Oh he would pay.

But not right now because Remus was struggling to keep themselves from having another breakdown.


	2. Chapter 2

They sat in their room trying to ignore their spiralling thoughts. They should have known better than to slip up and make a comment about their gender identity at dinner.

They'd known it wouldn't go down well and yet they'd still said something. Remus blamed it on their impulsivity and desire to feel validated for once.

Things had started off ok at first. They'd been forced out shopping with their mother and had come across another enby in the wild which had been great. They'd had a discussion about preferred pronouns while their mum and Roman had been in earshot.

Roman had of course been a complete ass the whole time round the shops and Remus was still furious about the leaves incident but they managed to hold themselves back from doing anything rash like breaking his nose which they felt was incredibly nice of them.

The individual at the checkout had given Remus a sudden boost in confidence and rekindled their motivation to correct their parents when they slipped up.

With this new energy they corrected their mother and the three of them (Remus, Roman and their mother) also ended up having a conversation about the LGBTQ+ on the journey home.

All in all things were going good and when they got home they decided to take the cashiers words to heart.

They had told Remus that their 5 year old cousin respected their pronouns and name more than their parents and so with this knowledge in mind Remus decided to talk to Patton.

"Hey Patton? My name is Remus now and instead of saying she or her when talking about me, I'd prefer you to use They and Them."

Patton had looked up at them with barely a moments hesitation and replied "Ok Remus."

Remus felt like their heart was going to burst at Pattons words and they couldn't fight the enormous smile that spread across their lips, especially as Patton continued to use Remus instead of their deadname.

Then dinner happened.

Everyone was sitting around the table as usual when Remus's mum used their deadname when speaking to them. Remus sighed but felt a little reluctant to correct her in front of their father, unsure if his infamous temper would explode at Remus 'backchatting' their mum.

Patton of course spoke up then, slipping up slightly thanks to hearing the deadname being used.

"It's Remus." 

Remus was surprised when Roman spoke up on their behalf and was immediately suspicious, frowning slightly at his sudden jump to their defence.

"I call you Remus but mummy calls you [Deadname}" Patton stated, looking directly at their mother.

"That's because I named her after a friend of mines younger sister who died while I was pregnant with her."

Remus winced slightly, already having heard this story many times before. They avoided eye contact with their mother as she continued.

"The names I used to name her carry significant meaning to me so if I forget to call her Remus it's because of that. My friends sister was only 13 when she died and I swore to name you after her in her memory."

Remus just managed to stop from sliding down in their seat, guilt and shame suddenly weighing heavily on them as they thought on their mothers words.

Maybe they should have chosen something closer to their mothers friends sisters name? Maybe then there wouldn't have been as much issue with the whole nonbinary thing?

"I don't even know why you changed your name to Remus anyway? Names shouldn't define your gender. You didn't have to change your name, besides they're pretty much the same anyway."

Remus stared at Roman in shock and horror as they registered his words and felt sick as their mother made a noise of agreement and everyone seemed to just carry on with dinner as if nothing had happened.

When dinner ended Remus made a beeline straight to their room where they proceeded to think and overthink everything that had just happened.

All the stuff their family said weighed on them heavily to the point where they stared off into space for a bit as a horrifying thought crossed their mind.

What if they were faking all this? What if they weren't really nonbinary and it was just all a ploy for attention?

Thoughts of a similar nature bounced around their head, driving them mad with panic and making them rethink everything.

Stressed and in disarray Remus paced up and down, shaking their hands in a way similar to how they usually stimmed.

Eventually they sat down at their computer and tried to distract their buzzing mind with YouTube or music. It didn't have much of an effect.

Eventually they contacted Logan and let him know what had happened. As usual he was logical and spoke sense, even when Remus wasn't in a state to really register it.

His words somewhat reassured Remus. For now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Still feeling down from what had happened a couple days previously Remus didn't make as much of an effort to correct Patton or Roman anymore but sometimes their brothers would remember on their own.

Remus spent a lot of time trying to figure out why their parents seemed to have such an issue with their identity but there wasn't really anything they could come up with except their parents were just stuck in the way they'd been brought up.

Things eventually reached boiling point at dinner a few nights later.

Dinner always seemed to be the catalyst for shit hitting the fan. It was probably because that was the only time the entire family was present in the same room for extended periods of time.

It all started with Roman doing an impression of Stitch. It wasn't terrible but it was mildly annoying to Remus's ears. They'd rather eat dinner in peace.

"are you doing a Nelson Mandela impression?" Their mother asked, grinning like she'd made a hilarious joke.

"What? It's Stitch from Lilo and Stitch." Roman and Remus said at the same time, sharing confused looks which became exasperated as their mother continued.

"It sounds exactly like Nelson Mandela, you racist." She laughed, loud and grating on Remus's ears as she nudged their father who was also grinning.

Roman glared at the two of them and tried to again reiterate that it was an impression of Stitch.

"You're a racist, it's exactly the same as Nelson Mandela's voice." their father said, speaking over Roman which was a sure fire way to set off his infamous temper.

"I'm not racist! I don't even know what he sounds like, I was just doing an impression of a cartoon character. Not knowing that my Stitch impression sounds like..."

"That's how racism starts, ignorance!" both their parents were laughing now and Remus wanted nothing more than to shout for them to stop but they kept their mouth shut, something Roman had never learnt to do as he once again spoke up.

"Out of everyone here, you guys are the most racist. You continuously use outdated terms and words that are considered offensive in our current time period."

"Oh we're racist are we?"

"Yes! You're the least PC people in our whole family."

Their mother scoffed while their father was still grinning and shaking his head in disbelief at Romans words.

"The whole family? Even grandad?"

"Yes actually, at least grandad doesn't say anything homophobic or too racist in front of us."

"Actually I think it's the fact that you pretend to be better than him but you're on the same level when it comes to outdated and offensive comments and words."

For once Remus and Roman were working together to try and stop their parents from being as bigoted and offensive.

Perhaps it was the fact they were actually working together or maybe it was just because they had no response, the dining room fell into a slightly uncomfortable silence.

After a few moments of silence their mother spoke up once again, eyes locked onto Remus.

"are you going to change your middle name too?"

"wha..?" Remus was completely caught off guard by the question.

"Are you going to change the middle name? I mean it has sentimental meaning and your nan was so happy when i told her I was using her middle name for yours. You were her first grandchild. so are you going to change it?"

Remus struggled to come up with a response, feeling like they were being interrogated and put on the spot.

Once again Roman came to their defence.

"You can't pressure someone into going by a name they don't identify with by telling them it has meaning to you. It has meaning to you but it's not how they identify and it's selfish to expect them to stick with it just because of your feelings about the name."

"I named her after my friends little sister who died!"

"Yes, we know, you keep saying but it's still not fair to Remus to basically emotionally blackmail them into sticking with a name they don't identify with."

Remus watched their mother and brother in shock, a warm feeling in their chest at the fact Roman was sticking up for them in such a way.

The warm feeling was immediately replaced by dread as their father spoke up, his grin still in place but it quickly disappeared.

"I'll say whatever the fuck I want to. If you don't like it then you can fuck off. It's my fucking house and I'll fucking say what I fucking want to. And Remus is a stupid fucking name. You're [Deadname]. Don't like it? Then move out!"

With each word their father said the room grew more and more tense and Remus felt their eyes prickling as the dread was replaced with hurt at the knowledge their parents would clearly never accept them as they truly were.

They remained silent, staring down at their plate, trying to ignore the few tears starting to trail down their face.

They focused on shovelling food into their mouth, anticipating the end of dinner when they could make a bid for freedom to their room and breakdown in privacy.

As subtly as they could Remus wiped their eyes, determined not to let either of their parents see just how much their words had effected them. Plus Remus didn't want to give their father an excuse to have a go at them for being weak/overreacting.

Eventually both parents left the table and Roman and Remus were alone in the dining room with the task of clearing up.

Roman was still furious at the conversation during dinner and kept trying to talk to Remus about it but Remus was very aware of their mother being in the other room and the fact Roman tended to get louder when talking about something he was passionate about so they shushed him and made a point of reminding him of where they were.

Eventually Remus was able to escape back to their room and that's when they fully allowed their walls to crumble.

The reality of what the disastrous dinner conversation meant hit them full force and for the first time in a while old urges began to plague their mind.

They collapsed into their computer chair and sobbed silently into their hands, a skill they'd had to learn out of necessity many years ago due to various things.

The little voice in their head they thought they'd finally managed to silence began whispering and Remus clenched their hands into fists in their hair, trying their best to ignore it as it seemed to get louder.

The temptation to give in was overwhelming as the fact they could never safely be their true self around their parents began to really sink in. Then a small spark of hope hit them as they remembered someone who had always been supporting them and fighting their corner, no matter what.

Logan.

In a last ditch effort to rid themself of the old self destructive urges they sent Logan a message and filled him in on how dinner had gone.

It didn't take long for Logan to respond with an optimistic message about getting them out of there as soon as possible and reassuring Remus that their name was just as beautiful as their last and that their father was being an asshole.

Remus felt slightly better but their thoughts were still spiralling and they couldn't ignore the awful feeling welling up inside them as a question filled their mind that they had no answer to.

Why can't they accept me?

They sent Logan this question, still wiping tears from their face as they waited for his response.

Logan replied and Remus scowled, ignoring the fresh tears that spilled down their face as they told Logan that he couldn't promise that they would accept them eventually, that's not how life works.

Logan tried to bring up the fact that Remus's parents had accepted their sexuality but Remus scoffed and pointed out that the real reason their parents had 'accepted' their sexuality is because they were with Logan so for all intents and purposes they could kid themselves that Remus was straight as they were with a guy.

Logan told them that they'd do anything and everything they could in the future to use Remus's name around them as much as possible until they couldn't help but use it themselves.

Remus didn't think that would work but didn't say that, instead choosing not to reply as they couldn't think of anything else to say. Instead they began blasting music at full volume to try and drown out their thoughts.

They lost themself in their music and even began drawing, an old coping mechanism they rarely used anymore but it was a much healthier one than the one they were trying their hardest to ignore. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next few days seemed to pass without much incident, the explosive dinner being forgotten and ignored by everyone as if it never happened.

Of course it was all Remus could think of as they went through the motions of everyday life, wincing every time Patton called them Remus instead of getting the warm feeling of validation because they were terrified their father might get angry again at the reminder.

There was a moment when Remus was trying to escape to their room and their father wanted them to come back downstairs and so he shouted "Oi! Woman!" 

Remus felt a wave of revulsion wash through them and grit their teeth to fight down the urge to scream, instead standing at the top of the stairs and answering like nothing was wrong.

As time passed the intrusive thoughts seemed to increase in regularity, every trip downstairs they had thoughts of throwing themselves down them, washing their hands they held their hands under the hot tap as long as they were able and sometimes out of nowhere the urge to scratch at their skin until it bled would overwhelm them.

They managed to fight through these situations by reminding themselves of Logan and their friends but there were a few close calls where they only just kept themselves from doing anything.

It didn't help that it was starting to get closer to the time of year Remus dreaded most.

Christmas.

They loved winter but Christmas and all the things that came with it was a nightmare.

It was a time they couldn't help but associate with awful times. 

So many years they'd spent in their room crying over some sort of family crisis or just generally feeling unwanted and they came to hate it more and more as the years went by.

This year would probably be just as bad as ever as things had really took a downturn this year.

Losing people was never easy but Remus seemed to lose everyone around this time so there were various dates they dreaded in November and December.

It was also the time of year their mental health always plummeted and intrusive thoughts of times when they'd almost succeeded with something drastic were plentiful.

They didn't remember the exact dates of those moments but they didn't need to.

Luckily they had Logan and Virgil and Janus to fall back on. Without them Remus dreaded to think what might have happened.

They were in a better place mentally now than they had been and they had several coping mechanisms in place that were relatively healthy.

Nothing particularly big happened in the next week or so but there were a few small instances which did start to add up, causing Remus's stress levels to reach almost breaking point.

They felt frustrated and ashamed that such tiny things could effect them so much and though they tried their best to ignore the minor inconveniences they started to pile up.

It started with a simple thing. Remus's parents suddenly started to buy a different brand of soft drink than usual due to price which was all well and good but Remus was used to the other one, the cheaper one tasted Wrong and Different and they felt slightly on edge.

The next thing was bigger and pissed Remus off a considerable amount. Their mother was already wrapping things for Christmas for their two youngest brothers and she had as always gone overboard with three black sacks full of wrapped gifts which she then handed to Remus.

"Wait what?" Remus asked, having zoned out midway through the conversation and making their mother huff in annoyance.

"I said go put these in your room somewhere Patton won't find them."

"But I don't have anywhere to put them!" Remus exclaimed indignantly and frowned as their mother raised her voice angrily.

"Where else do you suggest they be put? There's no room in mine and your dads room, Romans room also has no room and they can't stay down here. Just clear up some of the junk in your room and you'll have plenty of room."

Remus growled and muttered under their breath and reluctantly dragged the bags up to their room where they turned in circles in a frustrated moment of panic as they struggled to figure out where they could put them.

Despite what their mother had said they didn't actually have much room and while their room wasn't spotless it wasn't a complete mess like both parents liked to claim, it was just a very lived in space.

Eventually Remus ended up shoving the bags down the end of their bed and decided that if Patton saw them when he did his usual thing of bursting into their room then it wasn't their fault.

Still the bags at the end of their bed made them feel restless, the unfamiliar objects invading what they had considered their safe space but even without the bags of presents Remus was struggling to consider their room their safe place with each passing day.

The next change was a very large one. Despite only having it for two years Remus's parents had decided to get a new couch which had thrown Remus into a spiral of thoughts, none of them good. The different couch was larger than their previous ones and meant that when it came time to put the tree up there wouldn't be room where they used to put it, yay another change!

It would have to be put in front of the living room window where it would be very easy for Patton to bump into it and smash the glass decorations.

This thought sent Remus down a dark path of imagining laying in the wreckage of broken glass.

They shook this off and tried their best to stay as together as possible.

This worked slightly until the day the new sofa arrived.

Everything was hectic and there was lots of shouting from both parents which resulted in Remus falling back on an old coping mechanism.

To avoid breaking down in front of either parent Remus shut off their emotions. Or at least enough of them so they didn't end up crying.

The issue with this particular coping mechanism was Remus found it difficult to go back to 'normal' so to speak.

They were sort of glad that they were still able to block their emotions when their help was demanded with the tree.

The various decorations their mother had collected over the years usually would cause a torrent of various emotions but they remained rather unaffected through the whole process.

The snide comments and little digs barely registered as they monotonously helped decorate the tree.

The final decoration to be placed on the tree was a new one as it was every year due to family tradition. This year however it was a tribute to their mothers mum who'd died a few months back.

Their mum was instantly in floods of tears and Roman placed a hand on her shoulder, looking close to tears himself.

Remus watched as the decoration was placed on a branch and both clung to each other, teary eyed and sniffing.

Remus blinked a few times to try and escape the numb state they'd managed to get themself in but it was no use.

Their father in a rare moment of understanding gave them a small nudge and then lifted their hand and placed it on their mums shoulder.

They left their hand there for a few seconds before patting awkwardly, completely out of their depth right now.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next few days they found themselves incapable of getting out of bed. They were tired all the time and would drift in and out of sleep throughout the day, only getting up to do housework.

Their thoughts were full of worst case scenario and thoughts of what they'd do if they didn't have Logan and Virgil and Janus.

None of them were good and all their thoughts seemed to have become twisted and dark.

It was reaching a point where even talking to their friends and Logan was becoming difficult.

They knew that isolating themself from such supportive individuals was a bad idea but they couldn't seem to stop. There were no brakes on the self destruct train.

They were managing to refrain from various things but as the month of December progressed they knew it would only get harder.


End file.
